Happy Anniversary, Us - Part VII

Leaving the wedding, 7/7/07

Seven years and seven days ago, I married my best friend.

Every previous year for our anniversary, I've written my annual essay about love and marriage. This year, however, we mixed it up - Danny and I took a vacation.

It's been an eventful year, to say the least. And after that year, it became very clear that we needed a break. Danny was tired, and I'd reached a level of anxious twitchiness that wasn't doing anybody any good.

So we booked a B&B, made ferry reservations, and planned our vacation to Victoria, B.C. This was a big deal - we haven't taken a real vacation, one that lasted for longer than two days, with a location not chosen by work, for four years.

It was time.

Dealing with Infertility - 14 Things I've Learned

Of all the hobbies to have, treating infertility is one of the worst. Sure, there's often travel involved, and sometimes you do get to meet interesting people, but the rest of the time there's a lot of awkwardness and expense without a lot to show for it.

In fact, it's one of the few hobbies that people are willing to sacrifice their money and privacy for years without seeing any results - just so their lives can become even more expensive.

It's the worst, but you learn to cope. I've learned a lot over the years. And while there are some really wonderful pieces on the subject (highly recommend this one), I've decided to leave the deep stuff to those who are on the other side and stick with the practical bits.


1. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page with your fertility plan. This is big. And it can be a transient thing, so have this conversation often. What treatments, when, and how are they being paid for.

2. Be kind to yourself. This means:

• Edit your social network. You don't have to look at every baby picture on facebook (there are a lot). Most of the time, the minute a friend or acquaintance of mine announces a pregnancy, I un-follow their news feed. 

• The same goes for Pinterest - if looking at knitted baby booties makes you sad, for heaven's sake don't subscribe to those boards. 

• If volunteering with children's ministries at your church is too difficult/depressing, change ministries. (If it helps you feel better, by all means continue!)

• You don't have to go to every baby shower you're invited to. It's okay to decline kindly and send a gift if you can (and it's okay for that gift to be a gift card - if shopping for baby gear makes you miserable, don't).

None of this means that you hate your friends or their progeny, or that you won't love and pray for them. Set yourself - and everyone else - up for success. There is no medal for Noble Suffering.


3. Get yourself one of these.

If you're not a dog person, fine (though I'll say this about Cavaliers - they're the dogs non-dog people bond with). Get another kind of pet - cat, bunny, sugar glider, whatever makes you happy - you need those endorphins.

But Cavaliers, in particular, and really suited for the job. They're portable, which is great if you live a distance from your fertility clinic. They're very affectionate, and very bonded to their owners (also: everybody else. Cavaliers have no enemies).

When you do have children, Cavaliers are great with them. One of the things I love about Shiloh is that the smaller the child, the lower he flattens himself to the ground to meet them. He makes sure he's as un-intimidating as possible - and that's not something I taught him. He just does it.


4. Write down, if necessary, your questions for your Reproductive Endocrinologist. Those are some expensive appointments, so make sure you get everything out of them that you want.

5. Take a good book. This is not the time for the borderline book - you need some exceptional reading material for the waiting room, material that doesn't strictly involve IVF financial planning.

6. If you're going HSG test or an IUI treatment, wear comfortable clothing and try to build time in your day for a nap afterwards. Ideally, stop at Starbucks for something sugary on the way back.

7. If you're undergoing an HSG, IUI, or ovarian ultrasound (really, anything involving stirrups), shave thine legs. This is not for the health care practitioner, who has likely seen everything. This is for you, and the shreds of your dignity.

8. Consider acupuncture. There is a lot of literature about the benefits of acupuncture for fertility. Be sure to tell your RE. Acupuncture is not only effective for fertility, but also stress - AND there are Chinese herbs you can take that are pre-natal safe (unlike the rest of the antidepressant shelf) to help with the stress. A good acupuncturist will be familiar with your fertility treatments and will be able to coordinate your acupuncture and herbs accordingly. Also, your insurance might actually cover it.

9. When it comes to your friends and family, discuss with your spouse what you're going to share and not. There's no right or wrong answer - you have to choose what you're both comfortable with. It's okay to guard your privacy. If someone wants to know exactly what your fertility issues are (and they will), you don't have to tell them.

10. On that note, have responses prepared for common questions.

• If someone wants to know what your fertility issues are, or what you're doing about them, it's okay to say "there are a few different issues but we're working with our doctor to resolve them," or even, "I'd rather not discuss the subject." 

• To the classic "when are you having kids" question, try "not yet, but hopefully soon"  for casual acquaintances, and/or people who respond well to a brush-off. 

• For those that don't (or if you're just feeling sassy), try "It's the funniest thing, they're on back-order! We ordered them a long time ago, but they just haven't shown up yet." 

11. Be gracious. Most of the time when people ask awkward questions, it's coming from a place of caring mixed with a lack of knowledge. For instance, people who ask if we've considered adoption usually have no idea how expensive it is (usually around $5K for a state adoption, $20K-$40K for a private domestic adoption, $27K-$50+K for an overseas adoption. Conversely, fertility treatments run $450-$16K, depending on what treatment you're doing, if there are oral or injectable hormones, imaging, labs, etc. More if you're using donated materials.)

12. Don't put your life on hold. Take trips. Buy clothes. Cultivate other hobbies, such as crafting, yoga, dance, or hiking. Enroll your dog in obedience and agility glasses. Learn to play a musical instrument. See a movie. In other words - have fun, stay busy.

13. Find humor where you can. There have been multiple times when parts of our fertility process have been really and truly hilarious. I will draw a veil over the specifics, but the fact is that when you take lady parts + gentleman material and add either the medical establishment or voices of experience (who are themselves beyond TMI), therein lies comedy. Enjoy it when you find it.

14. Pray continuously. This is hard. It's hard to ask God over and over for the same thing - for years - that He gives to others with ease. But he told us to come to him with our wants and our needs. Pray against bitterness and cynicism. Pray for direction. Pray for him to heal your heart, over and over again.

Those are my thoughts. If you've experienced infertility, what would you add to this list?

Happy Anniversary, Us - Part VI

Six years ago today, I married my best friend.

What’s amazed me, over the years, is exactly how much change and transition we’ve been able to fit in over those years, whether it’s my beginnings in publishing, Danny’s graduate school, our travels to Memphis and Richland, and now a move to Portland very near on the horizon.

A lot of change, but in some ways we’ve become good at it. When we were engaged, we drove eleven hours to California for Danny’s cousin’s wedding (our own wedding was some two months off). And I remember how we drove down, stayed for a short while and returned – another eleven hours, of course, and returned still wanting to be near each other. I remember thinking at the time that it was a good sign.

The ability to often spend long periods of time together has served us well over the years, during the seasons when we've been unmoored from family, from a church, from friends, from outside activities. While we always celebrate a return to social life, in the times between we still enjoy each other's company.

As our hopes to begin a family have been deferred, we've had more time together than, I think, either of us anticipated. By now, we know each other really well, and yet Danny still surprises me in the very best of ways.

This next year will be yet another year of changes - at least two moves, the search for a new church, and settling into a new social circle. We'll figure out which grocery store we like the best, and decide the best place to walk the dog. We'll find new haunts and favorite date spots.

At the heart of all of it, though, I feel so very blessed that I enjoy the person I'll be doing those things with. If I see a movie, Danny's the one I want to see it with. If I read a particularly interesting book - something like Where'd You Go Bernadette - he's the one I want to discuss it with. Long walks are nicer if he's along for the stroll. I love exploring new places together.

So here's to another year of adventures, of home-hunting, of change.

Another year of us.

Happy Anniversary, Us - Part V

Five years ago today, I married my best friend.

WHERE THE HECK DID THE TIME GO???

Rescue, Kiss, Repeat

I don't know about you, but I'm loving ABC's new show, Once Upon a Time. It's one of those rare TV shows that keeps getting better and better with each episode.

In the first few episodes, we see Prince Charming (whose real name is James, we learn), wake Snow White. Later, we learn how Snow and Charming met. It was the kind of meet cute that involves a lot of flirtatious squabbling, adventure, a grudging admiration and a certain amount of chemistry. She saves him. He saves her.

Rescue, kiss, repeat.

I love that.  I love it because it's a truer model for a real-life happy ending in marriage. It's not just the prince rescuing the princess in the classic model, or the princess rescuing the prince in the feminist model. Long-term love involves both.  Marriage is committing to rescue each other, over and over again. It's having each other's backs, it's being strong for each other.

Fairy tales will always have a special place in my heart, but I'm troubled by the lack of stories that involve courage on behalf of both men and women. East of the Sun, West of the Moon is one of the rare examples of a couple who must rescue each other. The prince, as the bear, rescues the girl from poverty.  The girl rescues the prince from the troll princess.

There is still a happily ever after for them, but both the man and the woman have had to work for it.

And that's how marriage is, isn't it? Courage is required for both the husband and wife to fight for and rescue each other, facing down despair, discouragement, illness, and injury in battle.

You never know how many battles you'll face in marriage, or when the next one will find you. The happily-in-betweens? Absolutely worth the work.

Happy Anniversary, Us - Part IV

Four years ago today, I married my best friend.

When I wrote my second novel, Simply Sara, one of the themes that developed was the idea of home, and how home isn't necessarily a place.

What I've discovered in this past year is exactly how true that is.  Since our last anniversary, we've lived in Eugene, Portland, Memphis, and Richland.  At some point in the future (and goodness knows when) we'll move again, this time across town into our freshly-built house.

We've lived with family, we've lived far from family. But no matter where we are, my home is wherever Danny is.  As much as I miss my family, my friends, and the trappings of familiarity, I need Danny more.  No matter how unsettled our living situation is, as long as I'm with him, I can manage.

The thing is, no matter where we are, Danny's feet are still ticklish.  He still consumes large quantities of ice cream and Hot Tamales.  He still complains when his hair gets too long and it flops in his face.  He still opens my car door.  He still reaches for my hand when we walk together. He's still taller than me, even if I'm in five-inch heels. His smile still lights up his face (I know it's a cliché, but it's true). His hug is still the one that truly makes things better.  We still get each other.  Our "us-ness" remains the same, even if our location has shifted.

He's my home, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bright Side

It's been a doozy of a year.  Difficult, in many, many ways.  I kicked it off at the start with the release of one book (Plain Jayne) while being waaaaay behind schedule on another (Simply Sara, the little snot). I got my first taste of book signings, radio interviews, and publicity campaigns. Danny had a promising job offer, which was very exciting until it fell through.

We continued by getting Danny done with graduate school, me turning in Sara (she redeemed herself), and flying out to the East Coast so Danny could properly matriculate, which he turned out to be very good at.  I was supposed to be working on galley edits while we were out, which I turned out not to be very good at.

During the summer, Danny and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary.  I taught at Oregon Christian Writers; Danny recovered from graduate school.  By the end of that week, both my grandfather and Danny's grandfather went home to Jesus.  We traveled to one memorial and wished that we could have been at the other as well.  Simply Sara released, looking a little out of breath. Short weeks later, not only had the previous job offer been placed back on table, but it was backed up by an interview in Memphis while I attended my first ACFW conference.

As the weeks progressed, we prepared ourselves for a move to the Mid-South when the company came back and offered Danny a job in their Richland, Washington office, a move that stunned us both but felt like a grand idea.  We tidied, we donated, we packed, we moved, we relied on the kindness of others and later drove across the country so Danny could do his engineer training in Memphis.

It's been a tricky year.  We've had a lot of loss, change, difficulties, both personal and professional.  It's been hard some times to choose joy, to choose to examine the beautiful parts while giving mourning its due.

During our trip to the East Coast we got to see some of the best-looking ceilings in the country

The Library of Congress

 

The National Cathedral

 ...and some of it's prettiest architecture.  We've gotten to visit children we love...

...and enjoy the simple beauty of God's creation near our home.

We've had adventures, and we will have more.  We visited 19 states, made new friends, visited old ones.  It's been a big year for us, and I don't have any reason to think next year won't be just as crazy.

So I'm embracing the crazy.  As long as the Father knows what He's doing (and He assures me He does), I eagerly anticipate what the next year has in store for us.

Happy Anniversary, Us - Part III

Three years ago today, I married my best friend.

You'd think tickling his feet has gotten old by now, but it hasn't.

This year has been a wild ride. Danny worked overtime hours while completing a master's degree. I published and promoted one book while writing 92,000 of the most difficult words I've ever written.

Danny celebrated with me when my first book arrived, and a few days later, when a whole box of books followed. He made me laugh at the cover of the Large Print Edition, came to every book signing and event, helped set up and take down the books, poster, postcards, and punch bowl full of chocolates.

He was very, very angry when he read my worst book review. He beamed over my Publishers Weekly and Booklist reviews.

I got to go to Vermont with Danny and watch as he gained the respect of his classmates and professors during his masters residency. I pinned his masters hood in place, and saw him shake the dean's hand as he received his diploma.

I like the quiet moments best, though. Tea on Saturday mornings. Walks we take, hand in hand. Sitting on the couch, reading books with the windows open.

I like the funny bits that have become our own - the way grass makes us laugh, the way Danny eats cheese, the way I giggle over the phrase some say.

I like how Danny brings adventure into my life in ways I never thought would happen.

It hasn't been an easy year, but it's been a good one. I can't imagine what the next will hold.

Happy Anniversary, Us - Part II

Two years ago today, I married my best friend.

I loved being married for a year. I've loved being married for two years even more.

Part of me wonders if Danny and I will be able to read each other's minds by next year. We know each other so well, can read expressions and body language and tonality so well that telepathy can't be far behind.

But on the other hand, we still manage to surprise each other. At least, Danny still surprises me. He'll goof off to make me laugh and I'll think, where did that come from? Followed by, I hope he'll do that again...

I was at a gathering a few months ago, and found myself asked (rather inappropriately) if the honeymoon was over. I honestly didn't know what to say for a few moments. Clearly, we had returned from our post-wedding vacation, not taking the year-long break advised in the old testament (if only we herded sheep with our families, that might have worked).

So if it wasn't a logistical question, it had to be emotional. Do I still love my husband like crazy? Of course. Am I aware of his faults? Better yet, is he deeply aware of mine? Certainly. Of course. And we're still nuts about each other.

I think Hollywood and fiction writers (bless them all) would have us believe that love and romance is found in meet-cutes and grand gestures. What the film Up got so right was that the little moments, even the boring moments, are the ones that matter, the ones we remember.

The walks. The lazy mornings. Sitting on the couch just reading. Dancing in the living room and sorting laundry (not at the same time) - those moments make up a marriage.

I have loved teaching Sunday School with Danny, watching him play cars and tea party with our class. I've loved celebrating and struggling through the process of publishing together. I love the look on his face when I bring him a fizzy drink from the grocery store, and the way he still opens my car door. I love how pleased he is with himself when he successfully flips a pan full of hashbrowns with a flick of the wrist. I love how we read books together. I love that I got him hooked on oatmeal cookies.

I love that we're married to each other. It's nice.

Way on Up

If you haven't yet, go see Pixar's Up. Whatever you're doing now can wait. Seriously.

To be honest, I was a little worried from the trailer. Pixar trailers do that to me. The one for Up makes you believe that it's a film about a cranky old man, a precocious boy scout, and their aimless journey through jungles via floating house.

Would you think from the trailer that it's a film about a man who's fighting to give his dead wife the one thing he thought she wanted? About a boy desperate for his father's affection? About the simple adventure of life? And yet it's all that and more, and I haven't gotten to the talking dogs.

I love the talking dogs.

The film opens with a newsreel, and the introduction of Carl and his future wife, Ellie. Ellie as a girl is all static hair, spunk, imagination, and adventure. She's Anne of Green Gables, the next generation. The characterization is so strong that when the movie proceeds through a silent sequence chronicling Carl and Ellie's adult life together, we have a firm sense of who this woman is and how completely she loves Carl.

Even after she passes away, she's still very much a part of the film's essence.

Carl is getting old. He has no interest in Shady Oaks retirement home. So little interest that the male aids who come to pick him up (one with an excellently animated mullet and scrub tag sticking up) get a little surprise from the AARP member whom they underestimated.

Thing is, Carl's got a stowaway in the form of a "Junior Wilderness Explorer" who's missing his Assisting the Elderly badge. Together, they make their way to Venezuela to fulfill what Carl believes to be Ellie's lifelong wish.

In the jungle Carl and Russel discover Charles Muntz, Carl and Ellie's childhood hero. Think of a mix of Indiana Jones, Charles Lindbergh, and Captain Ahab - that's Charles, floating around in his dirigible, hunting his very own white whale.

Charles keeps company with the talking dogs. Did I mention that? Yeah, I know it's the collars that talk, but whatever. The dogs are communicating in English (although there is potential for Japanese). And sure they can cook and perform tasks that would conflict the average family canine, but under it all, they're still dogs. Ever wonder what a joke would be like if a dog told it? You'll find out.

What goes down in that jungle is the meat of the movie. Two old men, fighting for their pasts, one of them ready to make the sacrifices to have a future. Loss. Destruction. Change. Hope.

And squirrels. Seriously, what more could you ask for in a movie?

Happy Anniversary, Us

A year ago today, I married my best friend.

A whole year has gone by - we've experienced the joy of moving in together, adjusting to a life routine, being introduced as "The Lodges." For Halloween, Danny was a contractor; I was a fairy (children's book to follow). We negotiated hiding places for Christmas presents and picking the right Valentine's Day card (for the first time EVER, I had a date on Valentine's). We've read through The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit, Howl's Moving Castle and The Belgariad.

We figured out what to do when the Mormons knocked on the door (it's happened twice now). That it's okay to rent an action flick and a chick flick and watch both together.

I love this man I married, for a lot of different reasons.

1. He can fix anything, from cars to microwaves to children's bubble toys.

2. He makes a terrific paper airplane.

3. He can flip omelets and hashbrowns like a short order cook.

4. He wants to know and understand everything about the world around him.
5. His feet are ticklish.

6. He lets me eat his ice cream and drink his drinks.

7. He watched Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea, and the Emperor's New Groove with me.

8. He reads everything I write and talks about it with me.

9. He plays guitar and sings from his heart.

10. Most importantly, he loves me when I really don't deserve it.

There are quite a lot of other reaons, and I'm fairly sure this blog doesn't alot me the memory to write them all.

We've had a wonderful year, and I can't wait for the next.